Saturday, October 30, 2010

Jack's Law

The First Law of Thermodynamics says that energy - under normal conditions - cannot be created or destroyed, simply transformed from one type of energy to another.

My 5-week old son, SeÑor Fussy Pants, has thus created a blackhole. His father and I live in this blackhole. Like all others of its kind, our blackhole defies all of Nature’s laws, especially those which state energy cannot be destroyed. ‘Destroyed’ would be putting it mildly. Jack has annihilated it completely, yet we crave to be awake with him constantly. It is a magnificently energy-deprived condition of bliss, laughter, coffee (ohh, the coffee), and poopy diapers.

The first night home, I didn’t think I would make it. Literally, I thought I would either die of exhaustion (if that’s possible), or end up judging myself as a bad mother for sleeping through the baby’s awake time. Stacey and I camped out in the living room – which also doubles as a nursery – and combated the thought of drifting off all night. Everything we did only seemed to make Jack more pissed off – nurse him, burp him, soothe him, BEG him to sleep just a wee bit. He and I ended up snuggling on the recliner until the sun rose. It didn’t seem this way at the time, but looking back – it was perfect.
I used to be addicted to sleep. Now, I am addicted to Jack. I wake ten times a night to stare at him sleeping peacefully in his bassinet. Even during Stacey's 4 am shift, when I have the option to stay in bed snoozing the night away, I get up and offer to warm Jack's bottle. It's especially irritating to Stacey when all I do is peep over his shoulder as he changes the baby's diaper.
I can't help it - from the first moment, I couldn't help it. I love him like I've never loved anything. Even if he destroys all the energy in my world, he created this love - and THAT... I just couldn't live without.

Oh, the Horror!

Parenthood is not for intensely vain people. My husband-to-be falls nicely into this category; he’s also incredibly good looking, and conveniently enough, doesn’t have to work hard to remain that way. NOT REALLY THE CASE FOR MOMMY. Ya know that “one teeny stretch mark” I mentioned around 30 weeks? It procreated. Morphed itself across my lower tummy into what can only be described as an act of God. Good Lord, what have I done to deserve these?! I swear, after I turned 23, I became a decent human being, and everything before that was just youthful indiscretion! Please, please take my purple stretchies back to where ever the Hell they came from! I’ll be good!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Life As We Know It

My beautiful baby boy, Jack Harper Rachdorf, is quietly cooing in his sleep. I am enjoying a rare private moment next to him, rocking back and forth in our baby glider, listening to the near-silence in our tiny apartment. Jack occasionally sighs, breaths deep, and if I was watching him right now, I know his eyes would flutter in dreamland. I keep the lights low, the volume down, and the dogs happily calm with biscuits. I take advantage of these moments because, now, I am a mother.

After several days of not-so-silently begging my OB-GYN to "induce me already", he agreed I was a prime candidate for elective induction on the morning of September 24th, 2010. I wake up early - way too early - and wait intently by the phone. I am to call the maternity unit at Littleton Regional Hospital around 5:30 am to see if they have a bed for me - for us! - and when they say they do, Stacey and I are giddy and dancing and altogether elated that today is the day! TODAY IS THE DAY! After months - nearly a year - of waiting and watching Kangaroo grow and stretch and play on the inside, we are going to meet our son or daughter TODAY.

I will happily leave out all the details of the day and evening - suffice to say, it was painful in a way that only other mothers can understand... and I only understand after experiencing it. It's mind-blowing pain, but as my friend Lindsay puts it, "your body understands it". You know this pain, however intense it gets, is not going to kill you. In fact, it is empowering. And after 12 hours and what my fiance refers to as "the hour of darkness", surrounded by friends and family, I was somehow able to see past the pain and bring this bright little boy into the world. It's a boy, and what a boy! 10 pounds, 1.8 ounces of chubby bunny baby boy. Mommy & Daddy are over the moon.

And then we are alone with him, and without a single thought or question, we are parents. We bathe him, change him, feed him, coddle him with enormous, infinite, unending love. We are parents... finally, finally, finally - he is here.

Jack is starting to stir.

He is his father, and - from what I'm told - very much like his father's father, also named Stacey. He has big hands, a button nose, and red hair. He prefers to be naked, albeit his closet is full of designer duds. He hates being put into his car seat, but will almost always fall fast asleep before we are out of the driveway. When he nurses, he makes hilarious snorting noises... very similar to Daddy's midnight snores. He has my color in skin and eyes, perhaps someday he will have my freckles. He is 20 days old and his umbilical nugget refuses to fall off. He cuddles like nobody I've ever known - really digs into you before settling comfortably. He has given us everything; a love without words or conditions.

I hope I can share this blog with him someday - to somehow explain how much he was loved even before he was really here. And now that he is here, how enriched and truly blessed we are to have him. Welcome to the world, my little Kangaroo.